ATLANTA, GA - The CDC announced yesterday that vaccine preventable illnesses would be renamed to sound scarier in an effort to inspire more fear. 

“Mumps isn’t scaring anyone. There’s just not enough syllables,” said CDC physician Dr. Diana Nyugen. “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, acute lymphoblastic leukemia, those sound properly scary.”

Research has shown that the public’s general knowledge regarding these illnesses has diminished, especially in the years since the diseases have been eradicated. 

By renaming the disease formerly known as Mumps to Exploding Balls Disease, the CDC hopes to connect with vaccine hesitant parents and encourage them to reconsider the risks associated with these illnesses.  

“We have found that parents who are aware of what these diseases can do are more likely to vaccinate and ensure these diseases remain eradicated,” says Dr. Nguyen. “Naming these diseases in a way that communicates those symptoms will hopefully help boost that awareness.”

The CDC has made several changes under this new rebrand. Diphtheria is now called Death’s Kiss. Measles is now called the Polka Dot Plague. Chickenpox is called The Red Ring of Death. And finally, polio is now called Top Half Only Virus.

“It is harder to sign a refusal form for a disease called Death’s Kiss,” says local vaccine hesitant parent Lindsay Fullerton. “We’re still going to refuse though. I’ve shared too much antivax stuff on facebook. It’s basically my whole thing now.”

We at the Bunion took to the streets to ask people what they thought. 

“Mumps? Sounds like a wet burp. No idea what it causes, some sort of rash?” said Bill, local artisan.

When asked what he thought of Exploding Balls Disease, Bill covered his crotch with both hands and squealed. 

Timothy Friedman, local plumber, expressed a similar reaction. 

“I like my bottom half. And sorry, does that mean like everything in the bottom half?” 

He quickly googled it on his phone, then told us: “Yeah, we should all really vaccinate.”

It remains to be seen how effective this strategy will be in quelling the growing antivax movement in America. The CDC hopes that this rebrand encourages more frank discussion on the benefits of vaccination and the risks of inviting these diseases back into our population. 

“The antivax movement feeds on people’s anxiety to make it seem like vaccines are dangerous.” said Dr. Nguyen. “I hate to use similar fear-mongering tactics but the risks here are real. We should all be a little more scared.”