Dr. Morgoth Erebus III, a physician trained in 13th century England, was walking home one day when an inexplicable cosmic hiccup suddenly transported to the year 2023 in the city of Evanston, Illinois. He made the most of his predicament by opening a successful private practice called Morgoth’s Sanitarium. We at the Bunion were able to track him down for an exclusive interview to discuss life, medicine, and the Bubonic Plague.

“Medicine in this century is incredible. Literally incredible. Like I don’t believe a lot of what these doctors are talking about,” he told us, gesturing around maniacally. “Why is everyone rubbing their hands in foamy water? What’s the point of that arm cuff thing? Why isn’t anyone wearing a bird mask?”

He offers many services including in-office lobotomies, limb removal, wart excision by a blade dipped in toad venom, balancing humours with a U, and annual physicals. 

“I love getting my humours balanced,” said Lindsay Fulton, local realtor and social media influencer. “Western medicine pushes all these unnatural treatments like vaccines and antibiotics. Why would I risk suddenly catching autism? I prefer something all-natural, like bloodletting or releasing a horde of feral leeches into my flesh.”

“The great thing about family practice is you know a little about a lot,” said Dr. Erebus. “I can do the basics of necromancy, exorcisms, occasional warlock magic if I have the time. Keeps your skills sharp.”

“It’s infuriating,” said Dr. Kevin Chen, a local infectious disease doctor. “He keeps calling us and yelling at our staff about how we need to stop lying to the public about bacteria.” 

Dr. Chen has submitted multiple official complaints to the Illinois medical board but their fax machine hasn’t been working, which has brought the entire department to a screeching halt. 

“I’ve taken care of so many gangrenous stumps, infected wounds, and leftover leeches in the last few years. It’s dangerous and he needs to be stopped,” he told us, exasperated.

Other healthcare providers, however, see value in his out-of-the-box approach. 

“It’s important not to let dogma take over in medicine,” says chiropractor and big podcast guy David Warwick. “Doctors think they know everything. But who’s to say the witch doctors of the middle ages weren’t making some good points?”

Whether or not the state board decides to shut down his practice, there is no doubt Dr. Erebus has made a significant impact on healthcare with his unorthodox approach. Morgoth’s Sanitorium has rapidly grown and now has a waitlist of 6 months.

“Doctors of this century are a bunch of lily-livered yellow-bellied pansies. People want something different. I’m here to take medicine back to the good old days. As Hippocrates said, don’t mess them up too bad”