Hades, Lord of the Underworld, has recently faced challenges in his attempts to torture the souls of the dead. His most recent punishment, dragging a sinner into the seventh circle of Hell for all of eternity, was denied by insurance company United Hellthcare. 

UH, a leading insurance provider in Hell, stated they felt other approved generic punishments could be tried first. Some suggestions were: pouring molten lava down his gullet, slow cooking his entrails over a fire, death by a thousand needles, and an endless loop of The Big Bang Theory reruns. 

Hades was unhappy about both this decision and the influence of insurance on his practice. 

“These insurance companies have ruined the art of torture. It’s all cookie cutter, algorithm based punishment now. I’ve been Lord of the Underworld for thousands of millennia but some pencil pusher in Olympus wants to tell me how to do my job?”

A representative from United Hellthcare spoke with us via Google Meet, the only video conferencing service used in Hell. The three headed titan king wished to remain anonymous. 

“We have to think about the industry at large. We have excellent demi gods on staff to review each request.”

Hephaestus, God of metalworking and part time insurance claim reviewer, explained his decision to deny Hades’ request. 

“I just thought it was a little too aggressive,” he said, taking a break from his afternoon golf session. 

“I don’t specialize in the Underworld - thank god - but everybody has to learn the basics in Olympus academy. We use industry guidelines to help decide which claims to deny.”

The Underworld Society of Punishment Torture and all other Things Macabre lists all options above as appropriate based on the provider’s evaluation. The USPTTM goes on to say sinners should receive individualized care by their Primary Pain Provider. 

“I do this job to hurt people,” said Hades, his eyes tearing up. “These companies just put up barriers for their own profit, while ignoring the pain of the individual sinner. It’s not sustainable.”

The sinner in question was unavailable for comment as he has now seen the entirety of Big Bang Theory 3,728 times.