In the hours following a physician suicide in Virginia in which overworked oncologist Dr. Amir Khan was found hanging from the ceiling of his office from a rope made of tightly wound pre-authorization forms, hospital administrators living in the only country where doctors routinely commit suicide have concluded there was no way to prevent the death from taking place. 

“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said hospital president Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome. Mr. Dimmadome, middle school graduate and previous owner of several used car dealerships, states he is a champion for mental health in the workplace. 

“I’ve had business setbacks of my own but I never considered taking my own life. We plan to swiftly respond to this with a series of lectures on resilience, wellness, and how our doctors can stop being so damn depressing all the time. Did you talk to Dr. Patel recently? Dude was a total buzzkill. Sorry, Khan? Yes, that’s what I said, Dr. Khan”

Mr. Dimmadome echoes sentiments expressed by a nation where nearly 400 physicians hurl themselves headlong into death’s sweet embrace every year, selfishly causing a lot of paperwork for everyone else.

“It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from crumbling under the pressure of crushing financial debt, menial administrative tasks, and the sisyphean task of emptying his inbox. He had a nice house and drove a Lexus, what gives him the right to be so self-absorbed?” said Chief Operations Officer and local flesh-eater Karen McDougall. 

Representatives from the hospital refused to answer questions on how this response to this physician suicide would be different from the one which occurred at this same hospital last week.

**UPDATE** This morning, our crack team of investigative journalists discovered a leaked recording of Mr. Dimmadome from an emergency board meeting last night. While most seemed to be gibberish because of feedback from a large, hat-like structure blocking his voice, we obtained this quote: “What about a hot tub? Can we get a hot tub in here? Nobody’s ever killed themselves in a hot tub.” 

This unusual approach certainly seems to ignore the overwhelming sense of impending doom that comes from working in a shitshow of a poorly run hospital. However, this innovative approach may also drive research and further tailor how we look at resilience in the workplace. Plus, there’s really nothing else anyone is gonna do about this so these doctors should probably just take what they can get.