In light of the recent shooting in Kansas City, Congress held an emergency session to take much needed legislative action. After several hours of heated debate, the Senate successfully passed a landmark bill with bipartisan support to fix the gun violence epidemic in children for good. 

This monumental bill aims to reduce the number of children who get mowed down by a firearm by simply redefining what constitutes a child. Currently, a child is any human being 17 years or younger but this bill would change the definition of child to any human being 12 years or younger. 

NRA president and poorly disguised vampire Charles Cotton describes this as a major victory for America. 

“There’s only been, what, 3 or 4 shootings in elementary schools? That’s not that bad.” says Cotton, blood dripping from his fangs. “We just need to take the high schools out of the equation and bang! Problem solved.”

Pediatricians like Dr. Mona Shastri are outraged at this legislation.

“How can we say these children are just adults overnight? This is crazy,” she said, exasperated. “Kids are nowhere near neurologically or socially prepared for the responsibilities of adulthood.”

A local teen-turned-adult, however, disagrees. 14 year old Isaac Owen spoke with us while waiting in line to buy cigarettes and a lottery ticket.

“I’m ready to be an adult,” said Owen. “I know more than my parents do. The internet taught me everything.” 

When asked about school, Owen took a long, hard drag of his cigarette. 

“That place scares me. I got paired up with a Nazi for my last group project. He was such a slacker. Anyway, I’m happy to be out of there and ready to make some real money. These cigs aren’t going to pay for themselves.”

Car companies are reeling from the news. A spokesperson from Ford said this in a statement: “Safety is our top priority. We will ensure seats are higher, pedals are closer, and the horn is replaced by a fart noise as thousands of new drivers have requested. The way we see it, a 13 year old on the road is really no different than a 90 year old out there. Ford Motor Company is looking forward to giving these tots a chance.”

It’s certainly not the most conventional approach and carries much risk. But ultimately, this bill will help us stat pad our gun violence crisis without actually legislating reasonable gun policy, which is really about as American of a solution as we could hope for.